Bullies have been around for thousands of years and will always be a part of our culture. A bully can be a person who has fears they don't know how to deal with other than pushing others around and making them feel worthless, which may be what the bully is feeling about them selves.

Sometimes they are just trying to fit in with a certain group. The only way they think others will look up to them and give them respect is if they dominate others. A bully relies on fear to control others.

This page deals with understanding the mind of a bully and some ways of dealing with them which may keep them from being a bully. We will list some signs to look for in determining if your child is being bullied. We hope parents will take an active part in preventing bullying. School systems are over worked, under staffed, and under paid for the job they have to do. We are not telling parents to mandate to schools what they have to do. The object here is to give parents, children, and schools the information each needs to work in harmony with the other. Because there are several articles, some of the information will be repeated.

Much of the information is directly to children. This way they can read it and feel that it is written specifically for them.

*DISCLAIMER: As always all of the information and resources listed on this page have been screened so that children of all ages can use this page. If any one finds any information which should not be listed, please send us an e-mail to: A-Better-Child@consultant.com. Not all of the information here will work in every situation. If you use any of the information or resources listed on this website, A Better Child - A Safer Child is not liable and cannot be held responsible for any adverse results. This is not to scare you, but to tell you to use caution in using the information given here.

Bullying is when someone keeps doing or saying things to have power over another person.

* Some of the ways they bully other people are by: calling them names, saying or writing nasty things about them, leaving them out of activities, not talking to them, threatening them, making them feel uncomfortable or scared, taking or damaging their things, hitting or kicking them, or making them do things they don't want to do.

Have any of these things happened to you? Have you done any of these things to someone else? Really, bullying is wrong behavior which makes the person being bullied feel afraid or uncomfortable.

There are a lot of reasons why some people bully.

* They may see it as a way of being popular, or making themselves look tough and in charge.

* Some bullies do it to get attention or things, or to make other people afraid of them.

* Others might be jealous of the person they are bullying.

* They may be being bullied themselves.

Some bullies may not even understand how wrong their behavior is and how it makes the person being bullied feel.

 

* Some young people are bullied for no particular reason, but sometimes it's because they are different in some way - perhaps it's the color of their skin, the way they talk, their size or their name.

* Sometimes young people are bullied because they look like they won't stand up for themselves.

Some people think bullying is just part of growing up and a way for young people to learn to stick up for themselves. But bullying can make young people feel lonely, unhappy and frightened. It makes them feel unsafe and think there must be something wrong with them. They lose confidence and may not want to go to school any more. It may make them sick.

Coping with bullying can be difficult, but remember, you are not the problem, the bully is. You have a right to feel safe and secure.

And if you're different in some way, be proud of it! Spend time with your friends - bullies hardly ever pick on people if they're with others in a group.

You've probably already tried ignoring the bully, telling them to stop and walking away whenever the bullying starts.

If someone is bullying you, you should always tell an adult you can trust. This isn't telling tales. You have a right to be safe and adults can do things to get the bullying stopped.

Even if you think you've solved the problem on your own, tell an adult anyway, in case it happens again.

An adult you can trust might be a teacher, school principal, parent, someone from your family, or a friend's parent. If you find it difficult to talk about being bullied, you might find it easier to write down what's been happening to you and give it to an adult you trust.

If you see someone else being bullied you should always try to stop it. If you do nothing, you're saying that bullying is okay with you.

It's always best to treat others the way you would like to be treated.

You should show the bully that you think what they're doing is stupid and mean. Help the person being bullied to tell an adult they can trust.

Have you ever bullied someone else? Think about why you did it and how you were feeling at the time. If you are sometimes a bully, try to find other ways to make yourself feel good.

Most bullies aren't liked, even if it starts out that way. Remember, it's best to treat others the way you would like to be treated.

Bullying in children and teens seems to be a way for them to gain attention, respect, or power. If they get away with it, the pattern tends to grow.

Bullying is not the same as fighting, "horseplay," teasing, or other appearances of conflict between children or teens. Bullying has four conditions:

1. Bullies have unequal power over their targets. They are bigger, more influential, have group backing, or some other advantage over the target person.

2. Bullies intend to harm, humiliate, or embarrass their targets.

3. Bullies repeat their bullying behavior.

4. Bullies appear "matter-of-fact" about their attack, while the victims appear rather upset.

It is helpful to view bullying as group behavior. A group may participate in actually bullying a victim or a group of bystanders may tolerate the bullying--also supporting the bullying behavior.

Bullying is not always physical, especially among girls. A bully may assemble a group of girls or boys to target a person and systematically humiliate, isolate, or embarrass the victim. In fact, part of bullying is picking a target and then isolating the person by making fun of the person, starting rumors, or other behavior. Often bullies will target a child who is already isolated or not fully accepted by others.

Bullying behavior, if not stopped during childhood, can progress into adulthood--into the workplace. Bullies can move into positions of authority because they are willing to destroy the reputation of potential competitors. In the workplace, they can become powerful sources of distrust, fear, and dysfunctional behavior.

It is important to learn if your children are bullying other children or are being bullied themselves.

1. Bullies tend to target children who are loners, isolated, or have problems that would also make them targets of abuse by other children.

2. Symptoms of being bullied may include unexplained reluctance to go to school, fearfulness, sleep disturbances, vague physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches) on school days, or belongings that come home ripped or are missing. -Goldbloom

3. If you suspect that your child is being bullied, it is best not to ask directly, according to experts. Rather, ask indirect questions. "Ask your child indirectly how he or she is spending lunch hour, or what it’s like walking to school, walking home or taking the school bus. Ask if there are any children at school who are bullies, without personalizing it." -Goldbloom

Teachers, administrators, parents, children, and teens can play important roles in stopping and preventing bullying. The goal is not to get rid of bullies, but to get rid of bullying. Some suggestions include:

1. Teachers need to make it safe for students to report bullying. Students should be able to report bullying anonymously. Teachers should explain to children the difference between playfulness and bullying or cruelty. Teachers should make it clear that cruelty, such as making fun of a student in class for wrong answers, is not tolerated.

2. Children need to report bullying to adults. Children need to be taught the difference between "tattling" (causing trouble) and "reporting" (helping). If children think that reporting a bully is the same as tattling, they will not do it. Children also need to be taught the difference between "horseplay" or teasing among equals and bullying of a victim.

3. Parents need to make it clear to the school that they take bullying seriously and that they need for the school to take action to stop the behavior. Parents should ask how they can help the school. Parents also need to help their children stay out of situations where bullies are picking on them. Bullies may attack regularly on a school bus, at recess, before school, after school, or in the lunchroom. Wherever the bullying emerges, experts recommend that parents work with their children to avoid the problem situation if they cannot solve it through school staff. It is also important to carefully protect your children from retaliation if bullies discover that your children were the source of information that caused disciplinary action against them.

4. Administrators need to have clear policies on how teachers are to respond to bullying behavior. Administrators need to monitor and enforce those policies.

5. Parents need to ask their children if they tease or make fun of other children. If their children do bully other children, and most do at some time or other, then parents can talk about the differences between bullying and playfulness.

6. Children need to respond constructively when they see bullying. Children need to work with their friends to help distract the bullies from their cruelty, report the incident, or discourage bystanders from actively or passively encouraging an incident.

7. Bullies need to develop their " emotional intelligence," according to Jane Bluestein. She suggests that placing bullies in roles of mentors and supporting them in those roles may completely change their relationships to those who are weaker or disadvantaged. - Bedford

8. Goleman's research on emotional intelligence, including its neurological foundations, suggests that children can be taught emotional intelligence by parents and teachers. For a long-term solution, all children need to be taught to improve their emotional intelligence at least as much as they need to be taught cognitive skills. - Holt

When children drop out of school, commit suicide, or resort to violence, bullying is often an important factor. Sometimes it is the central cause. Just as schools and workplaces now have zero tolerance for drugs or weapons on site, they need to have zero tolerance for bullying.

In order to create healthy environments, schools and other organizations need to develop clear measures to distinguish the difference between bullying and other behavior that may look similar. For example, teachers, children, parents, and administrators need to be able to tell the difference between someone who is bullying a victim and someone who is just playing roughly, arguing, disagreeing, scuffling, or teasing a friend. Creating instruction on the differences will be a challenge. Assessing everyone's understanding of the differences will be an even greater challenge. Finally, policies to stop and prevent bullying need to be established and aggressively enforced, through a partnership of children, teens, parents, teachers, and administrators.

1. Talk to your parents or an adult you can trust, such as a teacher, school counselor, or principal. Many teens who are targets of bullies do not talk to adults because they feel embarrassed, ashamed, or fearful, and they believe they should be able to handle the problem on their own. Others believe that involving adults will only make the situation worse. While in some cases it is possible to end bullying without adult intervention, in other more extreme cases, it is necessary to involve school officials and even law enforcement. Talk to a trusted adult who can help you develop a plan to end the bullying and provide you with the support you need. If the first adult you approach is not receptive, find another adult who will support and help you.

2. It's not useful to blame yourself for a bully's actions. You can do a few things, however, that may help if a bully begins to harass you. Do not retaliate against a bully or let the bully see how much he or she has upset you. If bullies know they are getting to you, they are likely to torment you more. If at all possible, stay calm and respond evenly and firmly or else say nothing and walk away. Sometimes you can make a joke, laugh at yourself, and use humor to defuse a situation.

3. Act confident. Hold your head up, stand up straight, make eye contact, and walk confidently. A bully will be less likely to single you out if your project self-confidence.

4. Try to make friends with other students. A bully is more likely to leave you alone if you are with your friends. This is especially true if you and your friends stick up for each other.

5. Avoid situations where bullying can happen. If at all possible, avoid being alone with bullies. If bullying occurs on the way to or from school, you may want to take a different route, leave at a different time, or find others to walk to and from school with. If bullying occurs at school, avoid areas that are isolated or unsupervised by adults, and stick with friends as much as possible.

6. If necessary, take steps to rebuild your self-confidence. Bullying can affect your self-confidence and belief in yourself. Finding activities you enjoy and are good at can help to restore your self-esteem. Take time to explore new interests and develop new talents and skills. Bullying can also leave you feeling rejected, isolated, and alone. It is important to try to make new friendships with people who share your interests. Consider participating in extra-curricular activities or joining a group outside of school, such as an after-school program, church youth group, or sports team.

7. Do not resort to violence or carry a gun or other weapon. Carrying a gun will not make you safer. Guns often escalate conflicts and increase the chances you will be seriously harmed. You also run the risk that the gun may be turned on you or an innocent person will be hurt. And you may do something in a moment of fear or anger you will regret for the rest of your life. Finally, it is illegal for a teen to carry a handgun; it can lead to criminal charges and arrest.

1. Refuse to join in if you see someone being bullied. It can be hard to resist if a bully tries to get you to taunt or torment someone, and you may fear the bully will turn on you if you do not participate, but try to stand firm.

2. Attempt to defuse bullying situations when you see them starting up. For example, try to draw attention away from the targeted person, or take the bully aside and ask him/her to "cool it." Do not place yourself at risk, however.

3. If you can do so without risk to your own safety, get a teacher, parent, or other responsible adult to come help immediately.

4. Speak up and/or offer support to bullied teens when you witness bullying. For example, help them up if they have been tripped or knocked down. If you feel you cannot do this at the time, privately support those being hurt with words of kindness or condolence later.

5. Encourage the bullied teen to talk with parents or a trusted adult. Offer to go with the person if it would help. Tell an adult yourself if the teen is unwilling to report the bullying. If necessary for your safety, do this anonymously.

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